Overwhelmed

I wanna scream but it doesn’t feel appropriate
My body screams for me
Screams from the rooftop
Suppressed emotions rise
Pain in joints
Rustic
They feel torn and bettered
Everyday I hope for
a better day tomorrow
one where I’m at ease
where I don’t feel like a machine
that is out of wack

It’s strange simultaneously feeling both old and young.
I wish for change
I wish for ultimate relief and not
experiencing in parts
so much so
I yearn to hold the happy moments hostage
for fear of the dark days’ return
Anticipating grief that hasn’t even occurred yet
How do I be happy?
How do I enjoy happy?
How do I enjoy the good things w/o regret or guilt?
How do I just be and rest in that?
How do I just rest in self?
Rest in that my productivity isn’t tied to my work
Rest in that I’m perfectly able and supposed to take breaks and do things I enjoy
Good things and what is for me come with ease and some required effort
Struggle and strife are not my pathways to living
I deserve to live and not just survive but thrive
I deserve rest
I deserve to take a break
I deserve to stop
I deserve to feel
I deserve to breathe

when my body says it’s too much
screaming from the rooftops

I deserve to just be in my body fully
I deserve to not feel like a stranger or an imposter

in my flesh any longer
-overwhelmed:staying hemmed in alignment for fear of being unhinged, manic & going off the deep end; a means to keep it together

For life/for self